The Compassion Formula is my method for forgiveness. It teaches me how I can forgive myself – and persons who have mistreated me. It works with all kinds of negative emotions.
In this demo case I will use betrayal as an example.
I will show you how you can convert feelings associated with being betrayed, like anger and frustration, into emotional capacities, like empathy, gratitude, honor, and love.
This will allow you to release the blame.
Many people are hard on themselves and motivate themselves with anger, guilt, and other bad feelings. Instead, I motivate myself with compassion.
Which is more than the awareness of the suffering of another and the wish to relieve it; it's a deep honoring and respect for the self, for other people, and for the world.
When I have compassion for myself, I can have compassion for others. How do I experience more of it? I think of someone that I have trouble honoring.
Like a friend who stole from me or a father who beat me. Or I think of myself. I pick a not-so-serious issue to work with. I pick someone that I've difficulty being compassionate for.
I will use someone who cheated on me. We're using betrayal as the example, and I will show you how you can turn that into compassion, honor, and unconditional love – in five steps.
I define what the conflict or injustice or thing that I'm upset about is. In this case, the example is cheating on me, or betraying me. There's more:
Arguing with me; being aloof on me; distrusting me; flaking on me; insulting me; neglecting me; not following my lead; not taking me serious; treating me like a child. And more:
Crying about me; projecting things onto me; putting me down; stalking me; demanding attention from me; not paying attention to me; disturbing me. And more:
Interrogating me; playing with me; mothering me; putting crap on me; blaming me; beating me; raping me; stealing from me; threatening me; withholding from me.
How did I invite this betrayal into my life? I invited the cheating into my life because I ignored several warning signs. What were those warning signs?
I accepted flirting with other people to happen; I flirted with other people; I put up with too much crap; I did not put my foot down and assert myself appropriately; I allowed my lover to frequently show up late or flake on me, argue with me, etc.
I did not deal with issues as they came up. We both swept things under the carpet. After a while these things start piling up. I take a look at the role that we both played in this. I pay special attention to the role I played.
I view the scenes from the other person's eyes. This is called empathy. How do they perceive these events? I step into their body and feel what's it like to be in their skin and walk a mile in their shoes.
I look at the conflict from both sides. I look at it from a distance. I view the scenes as if they were happening on a screen. This is called objectivity.
I look at the events from three perspectives: I see the events through my own eyes; I see the events from the other person's eyes; I see the events from the outside observer perspective.
If I do not take the time to figure out what I can learn from this event, I will eventually experience the same conflicts again. Until I finally learn what I need to learn.
In the context of getting cheated on, what could I've done instead of, for instance, sweeping relationship issues under the carpet? What will I do differently next time?
This is a tough concept. Many people do not take responsibility for themselves and their reality. They are content to blame others and to feel like victims.
If I were cheated on and have had difficulty having compassion for the person, I take a look at the parts of myself that I'm judging. Would I cheat under any circumstance? Now is the time to be a non-judgmental observer and to be honest with myself.
If someone lied to me or stole from me, have I ever lied or stolen something? Have I stolen money from myself? Do I waste my money?
Let's say someone raped me. Most rape victims have trouble feeling compassion for the one who raped them. What aspect of myself is this person showing me?
What are they telling me about myself? Have I ever been sexually abusive? All abuse is actually sexual abuse.
Have I ever yelled at someone that I love? If I've never been abusive towards someone, I'd be very surprised, and I would say that I'm possibly in denial.
What else could my abuser be mirroring back to me? Could it be that I do not take care of myself as much as I should? Am I aggressive towards myself? Do I become angry with myself? Why do I become angry with myself?
Do I need to learn to trust my intuition more? Have I told myself repeatedly that I'm weak? Have I ever behaved like a doormat with the people in my life?
Needed I to learn that walking by myself in a dark alley at night is not the safest way to live? Needed I to learn that getting drunk and teasing guys that I were not interested in is not the wisest thing to do?
Maybe what they are mirroring back to me is that my self-worth is low. I do not blame myself. I just take responsibility for the part that I played in this. I'm honest with myself and learn from this experience.
The world is my mirror was a tough lesson for me to grasp. Now I get it. Now my inner game is solid. I know that the world is not always my mirror. All generalizations break down eventually. So does this one.
Someone might break into my house and steal from me. That doesn't make me a thief. I still can look at the role that I played. Perhaps I should have installed a better lock at my door.
To give an example that pertains to relationships, let's say that my partner goes out and cheats on me. I'm a loyal lover. I do not cheat. To make sure that I did not indirectly invite the betrayal, I will check my seven major chakras:
The first chakra teaches me to honor my body; the second chakra releases me from the ego and the illusion of inadequacy and neediness.
The third chakra teaches me to appreciate my qualities and to not take crap from people; the fourth chakra teaches me to accept myself as I am and that I am loved.
The fifth chakra teaches me to communicate my truth and to give service to others; the sixth chakra teaches me to take responsibility and to live in the now.
The seventh chakra teaches me that I am God also. Looking back at the relationship with the one who cheated on me: Where might I have tampered with any of the universal laws?
Was I acting needy, thus violating the second chakra? Did I give away my power, thus violating the third? Did I accept myself fully and allow myself to feel loved, thus honoring the fourth? Did I speak my truth, thus honoring the fifth?
If I was honoring all seven chackras, then I know that I did not indirectly contribute to the cheating. And I now know for certain that it is not about me.
Can I now release this person from blame? This is easy when I understand that I'm not a victim. On the contrary, it is wise to view myself as a participant in a contract and lesson that I helped to set up.
I do not point at this person. Instead, I look at his or her soul. It is here, just like I am, learning the lessons of love and life.
If I ever see this person again, will I be able to be kind to this person? This may or may not be desirable. If I was raped, it is wise to avoid this person altogether.
I ask myself the question anyway. Can I be kind to this person from a far distance? Can I be kind to the man or woman in my mind? How can I be kind to them? When can I be kind to them?
I do not take other persons through the Compassion Formula. Many people do not understand taking responsibility and compassion and will possibly become defensive.
I should now be feeling a surge of compassion and gratitude for the other person. I should now be viewing this experience as a gift. If not, then I go back through the steps and start over.
Sometimes it takes a few attempts before I finally get to the lesson that I'm working on. Especially step four requires brutal self-honesty.
I simply take the feelings out of my body, bubble the whole thing, and trust the universe to send me the appropriate people, situations, and contexts that will help me increase my awareness.
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Compassion Formula by Harald Schendera, 2016. – Spiritual warriors have an open heart and are full of positive energy
Compassion is the sympathetic concern for the sufferings of others, for example, victims of a crime. Synonyms are care, concern, fellow feeling, humanity, loving kindness, solicitude, sympathy, warmth.
Here are the five steps of the Compassion Formula in summary: